Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Wishful Thinking {guest post ~ Down and Out Chic}


I remember him asking me, his head under the hood of my car as I sat in the front seat revving the engine trying to listen to his directions (gas, brake, gas, brake), what I remembered of my childhood. This was one of the last days I would live in my father's house, a house I wasn't sure I would survive, a house with many secrets and quite a few nightmares (were they all real?). I was 17 when my father asked what I remembered of my childhood. I never looked him in the eyes and I was scared to now but, like all great moments in life, I realized that I had to face my fear and press forward or I would miss IT. I mustered my courage and replied with one word, "fear." I said it, staring straight into his dark eyes, not unlike my own, and said, "I remember fear."

Fast forward 10 years. I am now married and have a kind husband whose past couldn't be more different than my own. Recently I was having a bad day, feeling edgy and irritable, and I spoke harshly to this kind husband of mine over something terribly stupid. He told me the next day that no one had ever spoken to him like that before...ever. Keep in mind that I didn't yell at him or curse or call him names but he said it was the tone that hurt him. See, sometimes, as human beings, we become accustomed to a way of life, a way of communicating, that we think is acceptable, even normal. Being creatures that adapt, we can get so used to darkness that we begin to see it as light. It's like swimming in a deep body of water, getting tossed by waves and then fiercely swimming to the top only to realize we've been heading towards the bottom.

At this point, you might be wondering what in the world this has to do with wishful thinking. Ideally, we'd live in a world where parents don't have to ask their children to forgive them for a childhood of abuse. Ideally, children wouldn't be faced with the overwhelming responsibility of forgiving their abusers. Ideally, abuse survivors would grow up to miraculously have the tools needed to raise children in a healthy environment. But alas, I won't bore you with a beauty pageant wish that all childhood abuse would end. Although that would be nice, wouldn't it?

After digging deep, I realize that my real wish is to be better than my parents. I wish to get to the point where I am not terrified of having my own children for fear of being an awful mother. My greatest wish is that in taking ownership of my own self and shaping my own character instead of allowing it to be done for me, I'll perhaps inspire others to claim there lives for their own. Many people, including some psychologists, believe that abuse victims are forever damaged and that they can't be good spouses, much less good parents. They believe, like a baton in a race, that abusive habits are passed from generation to generation (it was in my family). Well, I choose to reject the baton and I take ownership of that decision. I'll run my own race and it'll be a marathon, no doubt about it.

It stops with me. Maybe it stops with you too? Perhaps, if enough of us come together and reject this way of life, we can prove our pasts, our parents and the psychologists wrong. That's my wish anyway.

Last Summer while visiting my family in Georgia, I had the wonderful opportunity of meeting Christina.  She and her handsome husband, B, make the perfect pair in every way.  I've been following D&OC since I started blogging, and Christina, with her great design/artistic eye and budget-friendly finds, shares one incredible post after another.  What I adore most about this lovely gal is that she is honest, loyal, and has one heck of a big heart!  

[Image from Julian Bialowas]

17 comments:

  1. What a wise and wonderful post Christina...your reflections, hopes and wishes are as acute as they are sensitive. xv

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  2. How very poignant Christina. It has to stop and as hard as it is the pattern must stop.

    xoxo
    Karena
    Art by Karena

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  3. Thanks for opening your heart to us Christina, must be difficult for you. x

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  4. Thank you so much for giving us this much of your heart. I am smiling with hope and belief in my heart. You have already broken the dark cycle.
    I remember the day I made that same wish oh so many years ago.....
    Today my wish for you is that you feel all of "us" that choose truth and love hugging you. I believe in you.

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  5. A beautifully written post Christina.............you are very brave and wise. XO

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  6. Christina- this was so honest and beautiful. My husband suffered a lot of abuse as a child too and I see how it interferes with him on a daily basis and how hard he has to work to overcome it. Being aware is the think that helps the most. xxx

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  7. words cannot even begin to express the thanks i owe you for writing and making sense of my childhood as well.

    i'm terrified of having children for the exact same reason. and for the fact that i didn't have much of a childhood. i grew up fast and you do in a hostile environment. i wouldn't know how to be a good mother.

    thank you.
    thank you.
    thank you.

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  8. Christina, I am so sorry for the child in you that was subjected to things little children should not have to deal with. Reading your post made me feel even more grateful for the childhood I had - very uneventful, stable, and loving.

    If you choose to be a parent, I think you have figured out the most important things to being a good parent. The rest, you will learn along the way. The key thing is that you are aware of what you would not want to pass on.

    It seems to me that the flower of your childhood soul has blossomed.

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  9. i am with you -- you can choose to overcome the past. you can. it isn't always easy, but you can. and i think you are well on your way! :)

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  10. Your post is so honest and thoughtful, thank you for sharing it. I hope you do not feel any shame for your past, the best way to stop the cycle is to face it as you have done and never be afraid to ask for help if you need it. xoxo

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  11. We decide who we are everyday. You define you, not anyone else. You're incredibly brave and beautiful for what you've shared here and for the realizations you've already come to.

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  12. you are a big open heart Christina and your honesty is an inspiration. I'm trying to choose each day to be better, too- in different ways, but I still very much relate. Thank you for being so brave in sharing your story and committed to ending the cycle with you.

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  13. i loved this post so much. i loved it to my core. your words are so honest and raw. i can't wait to visit your place and say hello... thank you for this.
    xo

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  14. I can't tell you how much I appreciate this post. It's the best of what blogging can be. So much brave honesty. Her story is haunting and she sounds like a very special person. Thanks for introducing her to me. I love this series, Mel.

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  15. The most important thing in life is tomorrow. and it comes to us at midnight & we always hope that we've learned something from yesterday, yes?
    Great post from Christina, Mel!
    adore her as well~

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  16. I've also come to terms that I am now an adult, no longer a child being ignored unless I was being yelled at, and my future is mine. This may be cliche, but I bought the print "Live well. Love much. Laugh often." and it's become my mantra to live by. I choose to live a happy life, and refuse to associate with people who are in opposition to that, including my family. I hope someday I can find someone to start a new family with, and trust and love that person, because I've never done that before.

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  17. Beautiful writing - such a moving post. Thank you Christina.

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